It's 4:00 on Sunday afternoon. You still have, among other things, three loads of laundry to do, groceries that need buying, a dog to bathe, dinner to cook (and eat and clean up), and two bathrooms to disinfect. Add one more thing, and your head will explode.
Then, the phone rings. Cringe.
You know it's your sister before you even look. She talks too much, you have a million things to do, and what if she starts ranting about her coworker again?! Blood pressure rising, you answer the phone.
An hour later, you know all about her office nemesis, vacation plans, and dreams of an Etsy store. You feel flustered the rest of the day and angry the next because you have to wear dirty underwear (it was all in the last load you didn't get to), and your dog stinks to high heaven.
Anxiety has infiltrated your life because you just couldn't say no.
Can Poor Boundaries Cause Anxiety?
Absolutely. One trigger for anxiety is a lack of boundaries, particularly an inability to say "no" to things or people.
Boundaries define who we are and who we are not. They help us distinguish between what's ours to manage and what belongs to someone else. They also determine what we allow into our lives and what we keep out.
As psychologist Henry Cloud puts it, we get what we allow.
Think about our Sunday-afternoon example. If you allow your sister to take up more time than you have to give, then you simply won't have the time for what's on your own plate. The natural feelings that result from this scenario are anxiety, frustration, and agitation.
You get what you allow.
Now, poor boundaries certainly aren't responsible for all anxiety. But if you're regularly overcommitted, resentful, exhausted, or worried about disappointing people, your boundaries may be contributing to the problem.
Why Do Poor Boundaries and Anxiety Go Together?
So why does this happen?
The subject of our example illustrates a common way poor boundaries yield anxiety. She felt as though she had to talk to her sister, almost as if she didn't have a choice.
Listening to her sister and making sure she didn't feel disappointed, angry, or hurt (which the sister might have felt had our subject cut the conversation short) took priority over what she needed for her own life: managing the to-do list and not overextending herself.
She tried to make her sister happy and took responsibility for her sister's feelings, blurring their boundaries. By doing something she didn't want to do (talk for an hour), she effectively allowed herself to matter less than her sister.
The result: anxiety.
Does any of this sound familiar in your life?
Maybe you agree to help someone even though you barely have time to brush your teeth. Maybe you spend an entire afternoon worrying about whether someone is upset with you. Or maybe you say yes, immediately regret it, and then get irritated with the person who asked.
Here's the problem: You're trying to manage something that isn't yours to manage.
You are responsible for how you treat people. You are not responsible for making sure they never feel disappointed, frustrated, or unhappy.
There's a difference.
Why Is It So Hard to Say No?
Maybe you're thinking, "I know all of this. I know I should set boundaries. So why can't I just do it?"
Good question.
Sometimes we have deeply held beliefs about what it means to be a good person. Maybe you believe that saying no is selfish. Maybe you think you should always be available to help. Maybe you feel responsible for keeping the peace.
And sometimes the problem goes deeper than what you believe.
Our brains and nervous systems learn from experience. If you grew up in a family where saying no resulted in anger, rejection, or the silent treatment, you may have learned that keeping other people happy was the safest option.
That strategy may have worked pretty well when you were young. The problem is that your nervous system may still be operating by those old rules.
Now you're a grown adult, and telling your sister you can't talk for an hour makes your heart race as though you're about to be attacked by a bear.
Your rational brain knows you're allowed to say no. Your nervous system, however, appears unconvinced.
So you say yes. Again.
Then you're irritated, overwhelmed, and wondering why you can't seem to get your act together.
Here's something I tell clients all the time: People make more sense than they think they do.
Your response probably makes sense when you understand where it came from. That doesn't mean you're stuck with it.
How to Set Healthy Boundaries and Reduce Anxiety
It's important to realize that you're not a jerk if you tell someone no.
You do not exist to make everyone happy. Let other people take responsibility for themselves. You matter just as much as everyone else!
Healthy boundaries don't mean you stop caring about people. They mean you recognize where your responsibilities end and someone else's begin.
Here are a few things to practice.
1. Pay Attention to Your Emotions
Check in regularly with your emotions. If you notice your blood pressure rising or sense agitation blooming, that may be a signal that it's time to take care of yourself.
Step back and evaluate the situation.
Are you trying to make someone else happy by doing something you don't want to do or don't have time to do?
Are you afraid of how someone will react if you say no?
Are you taking responsibility for someone else's feelings while neglecting your own needs?
Your emotions can provide valuable information about what's going on. That doesn't mean every uncomfortable feeling is a sign that someone has crossed a boundary. But those feelings are worth getting curious about rather than ignoring.
2. Decide What You Have to Give, and Don't Give Beyond That
You get to decide how much time and energy you have available.
Now, that doesn't mean you should never inconvenience yourself for someone else. Loving people sometimes involves sacrifice, and healthy relationships require give and take.
But there's a difference between freely choosing to give and feeling as though you have no choice.
Remember our sister on the phone?
You could say, "I'd love to catch up, but I've got about ten minutes before I need to get back to my chores."
Or, "I can't talk right now. Can I call you later this week?"
There. You were kind. You were honest. And nobody had to wear dirty underwear the next day.
You don't have to provide a fifteen-minute explanation of why you can't talk, either.
3. Don't Assume Feeling Guilty Means You've Done Something Wrong
Guilt often plagues people who struggle with boundaries.
If guilt shows up after you decline a request, examine your choices to see if you've actually done something wrong or harmful.
Were you unkind? Did you fail to fulfill a responsibility that was yours? Did you mistreat someone?
Or did you simply allow another person to feel disappointed?
Remember, it is not wrong or harmful to allow another person to be responsible for himself or herself!
Sometimes people have deeply held beliefs that if they don't make others happy, they are not nice, they are selfish, or they are a bad Christian.
Jesus didn't live to only make people happy and do what everyone else wanted. Giving to others was an important part of his ministry, but he also said "no" to people and graciously let them be responsible for themselves and their emotions.
You can love someone without taking responsibility for every feeling they have.
And you can feel guilty without actually being guilty.
What If Setting Boundaries Makes Your Anxiety Worse?
Here's where things get interesting.
You finally work up the courage to say no. You do it kindly. You don't overexplain. You even manage to resist the urge to apologize seventeen times.
Success!
Except now you're a nervous wreck.
You're replaying the conversation, wondering whether the other person is upset, and trying to convince yourself that you haven't done something terrible.
What gives?
Remember how your nervous system learns from experience?
If you've spent years keeping other people happy to avoid conflict or rejection, setting a boundary may feel threatening even when there's no actual danger.
Your body can respond to an uncomfortable conversation as though something terrible is about to happen.
That doesn't necessarily mean your boundary was wrong. It may mean your mind-body system is responding according to an old pattern.
This is one reason simply telling yourself to "stop worrying about what people think" doesn't always work.
You may need to learn how to tolerate the discomfort of someone else's disappointment. You may need to examine beliefs you've carried for years. And sometimes you may need to work through earlier experiences that taught you to feel unsafe when expressing your needs.
You don't have to bulldoze your way through overwhelming anxiety to prove you can set boundaries, either. Starting small and practicing with people who are generally safe and respectful can help.
Can Better Boundaries Help Reduce Anxiety?
Absolutely. When you're constantly trying to make everyone happy, taking on responsibilities that aren't yours, or saying yes when you really want to say no, anxiety is often not far behind.
Defining what you want your life to be and feel like can help reduce the anxiety that comes from loose boundaries.
There is hope for your anxiety, and you have more power to change these patterns than you may realize. Deciding what you will (and won't) allow in your life is a great place to start.
You get to be in charge of your life!
But what if setting boundaries is easier said than done?
Maybe you can tell your sister you don't have time to talk, but then you spend the rest of the day feeling guilty. Maybe your mother's disapproval sends your anxiety through the roof. Or maybe you keep agreeing to things you don't want to do, and you're not entirely sure why.
Sometimes the problem goes beyond simply learning to say no. Maybe you've spent years believing you're responsible for keeping everyone happy. Maybe disappointing someone feels downright terrifying, even when you know you haven't done anything wrong.
Those reactions don't come out of nowhere. Understanding where they came from and working through what's underneath them can make a real difference.
Could Therapy Help?
If anxiety, guilt, or fear keeps you from setting healthy boundaries, counseling can help you understand what's happening and why. We can explore the experiences and relationship patterns that shaped those responses, work through the emotions connected to them, and help you find healthier ways of responding.
I'm Caty Coffey, a Licensed Professional Counselor at Watershed Counseling in Jackson, Mississippi. I work with people experiencing anxiety, complex trauma, and relationship difficulties, including the family patterns that can make setting boundaries so difficult.
Learn more about my approach to counseling, call 601-362-7020, or request an appointment.
